So all that not working has left me with the time to get projects done that I have been putting off. Specifically, I started to use my i pod shuffle that my mom gave me three years ago. When I got it AZ put some songs on it for me and listened to those for a little while. But for about two years, the i pod has gone unused. I tend to put off things that I cannot visualize how to do, so that's the main reason I never did anything with the i pod. I didn't want to spend forever trying to figure out how to put songs on it when I could just pop a cd into a walkman.

Unfortunately, Alan destroyed almost all of my cds when he put the open cd case into the trunk of the car which was filled with tools. As he drove, the cds slid around and scratched. To replace them, he burned me a cd with all dave matthews damaged cds on it.--- A side note, he also lost several Chuck Palahniuk novels that I lent him (and he never read). It wasn't until I broke up with him last summer that he replaced all of this stuff. But that's how Alan is and why our relationship ended in divorce; he was only nice when I wanted to leave and he wanted me to come back. Had I not been so lame I would have realized the breaking and losing of stuff I valued (and I have so little of that) and his indifference was another reason to leave him.--- However, that cd won't play in vehicles, and i tunes won't let me transfer the songs from the cd into my library. So I am still working on that. I have recently discovered Lala so I may just buy mp3 albums from there.

And I was just thinking, that while I have been ready to be away from Alan for a long time, and as much as I have thought I am over everything. I am still angry. I hate when that happens. When I think I am ready to move forward and then I find out I am not. So frustrating, I'm supposed to be better than this right? LOL.

I am not angry at Alan. I am angry at myself. Even after I wrote that thing about the cds and the books, I thought, "does this even matter?" And it doesn't and I shouldn't even care. That's what made me realize I am still angry. I am angry that I had such low self esteem that I made someone a priority in my life who was so selfish and mean. No matter what he did, I put up with it and put myself second. I gave up a great job and trips, and saving for my future, for him. And he didn't deserve it at all. Luckily, I am leaving this debt free and with some savings so I can move on to the next thing. And I have learned A LOT over the past three years (that seems to always be the consolation for detours in life). Just writing about it makes me feel better and one step closer to really being over it. I just can't help but think it's so funny how I thought I could just get over things and move on right away, but like everyone else, time is the best remedy. I know once I am out of AK and on the road doing things the things I have wanted to since I was a kid, things will be okay.

Weds is the divorce hearing. And I am of course a little worried, thinking about everything that can go wrong so I can prepare. Why do I do this to myself? Especially since the paper's he filed with the courts had all kinds of BS, such as I was furloughed from my job as an FA and I was planning on leaving the state in the truck and all the contents of the house (not physically possible for so many reasons). I am just hoping to keep my bank account and my roth IRA, he can have all the rest. So "serenity now" and hoping all will be well.

So I am finally going for it and applying for americorps. It's been a long time now that I have been looking at the app for the state park program and I'm done with excuses. Carpe Diem. And carpe carp.

The reason I am still here is AK is that I am waiting for my divorce hearing on the 16th and I am waiting for the Army to approve paying for my travel as tickets are almost a grand this time of year. I had an appointment with the col. who has to sign the orders for me to leave. So far, my soon to be ex-husband has been in charge of getting the paperwork done, so that's why it has taken a month. It's funny how it took him a week and a half to go sign the papers, but when he found out he has to pay me around $930 a month for every month that we are married but not living together, he was at the legal office within an hour. For those who don't know military stuff, that money is from what the army pays him extra because he is married. And I got my check. Considering all that time I didn't work and all the trips I gave up as a flight attendant so I could see him, I don't feel bad taking the money.

I was really nervous about going in to the appointment. I don't like dealing with that kind of stuff and I was afraid I would say the wrong thing. Me three years ago never would have had the guts to stand up for myself. And the packet had a chaplain's statement in it about how Alan was heartbroken and he really wanted to reconcile, but I didn't. It is really hard to reconcile when the reason I am leaving is the crappy way he treats me. I can't really blame the chaplain and the rear-d (another person who is supposed to be helping me with returning to the lower 48, but really isn't) for being sympathetic to Alan as I kept buying his bull shit and forgiving him and coming back for the last three years.

But when I went to the appointment, I didn't even have to see the col. as what I am guessing is his assistant took care of getting him to sign the form and was really nice. I am sure that if I hadn't gone into the office, the form would have sat there for another month at least. I mentioned that the rear-d had not been very helpful (he helped Alan tow the cars while I was at work and he stored them at his house, which I found out after calling the police and from Alan) and today he called and was very nice and wanted to make sure I knew about the hearing. Interesting.

So since is is dark most of the day here in AK, I have noticed my nap ratio increase. I must not succumb to the urge to nap! It makes for a very unproductive day. I really need to be going through my belongings and getting rid of the things I don't use all the time. The napping relates to the getting rid of stuff as I have lots of clothes that fit me before I came to Alaska. I am sure napping instead of working out contributed to the Alaska weight gain. So I really need to limit myself to one power nap a day.

Even when I was married I would surf dating websites, not to date, but to satisfy some weird anthropological curiosity. There was a time at the end of college when I did date some people from yahoo personals. The cliche of meeting some one who only has a head shot to find out they are about 300 lbs more than you expected is so true. And then there is the guy who tries to get all over you in the first date and then gets angry when you are like "back off!" And if you are reading this because we are still friends from YP then know I am not talking about you. The point of all this is that I recently put up a pseudo profile on another site so I could search other people's profiles. And I noticed that all the men say they are "willing to start a new family and have more children." As someone who is not willing to do so, I wonder if all men really feel this way, or if they say this because they are afraid no women will date them if they do not want children.

So I'm into Iron and Wine; the band that is. Turns out it is just one guy with back up musicians, so can I really call it a band? Well anyways, I found out they/he will be at The Ann Arbour Folk Festival on Jan 29th. Tickets are about $50 for one day and I am totally there except for the $50 thing as I am cheap (yet I just bought some ridiculously expensive running shoes today). As Iron and Wine is awesome, I am tentatively putting this on the roadtrip schedule. Any blogger readers out there that are interested, message me on FB or leave a comment. Here's the rest of the line up.

Festival Line Up:

Friday, January 29

Iron and Wine
Jay Farrar & Benjamin Gibbard
Band of Heathens
Hoots & Hellmouth
Po' Girl
Jer Coons
Nervous But Excited
Patty Larkin, MC

Saturday, January 30

Rosanne Cash
Richie Havens
Doc Watson
Raul Malo
Hot Club of Cowtown
Enter The Haggis
Patty Larkin, MC

Yesterday was my last day at work. I am happy about that because while I enjoyed my co-workers, it was a job at a grocery store. I only took this job because it was federal and being married to a military guy meant that I would have a job no matter where we were stationed. And it was depressing to know that my employment had nothing to do with either my Anthropology degree or my interests other than I like to eat and grocery stores sell food.

I have been wearing my hair curly; it is finally long enough not to look like crap unless I blow it out straight. I figure once I start my travels, I may not always have the ability to use a hair dryer. So I was at work and one of the meat guys who I always say hi to says, "I wasn't sure if I should say anything, but girl, I love your hair. I just want to take a nap in it! (with hand napping motion visual)." I thought this was hilarious and I guess this means the curly hair thing is working for me.

I went to the Fairbanks library the other day. And I realized why I didn't go directly to get my MLS after my BA. While I enjoy the library and think it would be fun to be an archivist, I really disliked the attitudes of a majority of my co-workers. They were obsessed with trivial procedures and robotic when enforcing these procedures with patrons. Often I would see my co-workers purposely making things harder for patrons looking for books because they felt the patron was lazy. My co-workers would even laugh at the patron when they left. One time I over heard them making fun of me, which went some thing like this, "Oh, I'm Jessica. I'm so happy and helpful!" ...I didn't claim it was a creative or humorous impression. As I enjoy being social and helpful (most of the time), I just get this feeling when I think about getting my MLS that I want to do it, but I won't be happy in the long run. And it's a 9-5 indoors; how boring is that!

It's 9 am and the sun still isn't up. This is just not normal. To me, there is something really great about waking up just before sunrise and going on a walk. Hardly anyone is up yet and I like going from silence to hearing the birds all singing. But 10 am sunrise? It just doesn't seem worth it. And the only birds I see around here lately are ravens, but they mostly just scavenge instead of sing. And they are the size of a cat or a small dog.

Yesterday I started learning how to use my new SLR camera. I quickly realized that even though I had used an SLR four years ago at a job, I really know nothing about how to use the Rebel! I felt like I was stumbling in a dark room looking for a light switch. I had a general idea where the switch was but I had to make sure not to trip over something or over shoot it and fall on my ass. There's a metaphor for you...

I started out taking random pictures of the dogs using the preset settings. And then I got tired all of a sudden and took a power nap (power nap is where is get tired all of a sudden and pass out for 5-10 minutes. This can happen anywhere at anytime). Today I'm going to dive through the Rebel for dummies book. Hopefully I won't need a power nap.

So I haven't taken my wellbutrin for a few days now, and I hadn't noticed any side effects until this morning. And it was a minor, "I feel a little crappy," to which I responded, "whatever, get over it." And that worked. I mean, how could I not feel a little crappy now and then, and especially now. Mostly because lately I have been having a lot of "WTF?" moments. To which, "whatever, get over it" also works. And even though there are those moments, I am happy right now. I don't have to be responsible to anyone else and I'm going to do things I have always put off (for lame reasons, of course).

Living in the Newark airport for eight months, when I wasn't flying on trips, is something that I always come back to when I wonder what is next. So my Tampa plans fell through and my plans to go to NC may not work either, but I'm not too worried about it. I have lived out of a suitcase before and until I figure out what's next, I can do that again. And waking up with the sunrise is even more fun if it is at a new place everyday.

Okay so I have decided to quit the Wellbutrin. I mentioned on facebook that I have been having bad dreams. Basically, when ever stuff is bothering me during the day, I can ignore it and focus on other things, but at night I have these exaggerated dreams about things that are stressing me out... for example sleeping on a package of meat at Newark Penn while my friends ignore me. The meat represents my job at the Commissary, the Newark Penn my plans to travel, and the ignoring was an actual friend who is ignoring me and it is bothering me. Of course there was dialogue and other things happening before the meat sleeping/ignoring so I know what all three represent. Anyways, this is not the first time I have had night after night of bad dreams when I am worried about something. And the worst part is that I get this weird feeling during the dream that I feel the rest of the day. So I just continue to feel a little crappy during the day. I am very sure this is due to the Wellbutrin.

Last night, I didn't take the Wellbutrin and I had weird dreams, but I wasn't upset during the dream or when I woke up. This is strange because I didn't dream about especially great things, but I didn't wake up feeling horrible like I usually do. I dreamed that I was six months pregnant but I didn't know until now. The father was that friend who was ignoring me in that other dream. The weird part is that neither one of us was too upset about it. That is definitely not what would happen if I was pregnant for real, and would never happen, as I do not want children. But in the dream we were mostly thinking it was interesting and weird and I would just give the kid away when it was born. I also dreamed that I was in a Publix and I had no shoes on, as in the dream I never wore shoes. Then I had to go to the bathroom and walk in barefoot; which is totally gross. After I found out I was pregnant, I went shopping with Sarah and we drove a car up and down stairs, which was easier than I thought it would be. And I walked out to a boardwalk that went on forever over water, but I was no longer pregnant. I felt someone was chasing me but I decided to lie down on a chair and sun in my bathing suit because I didn't really care or didn't think they would find me. Toby my dog was there and he kept bothering people for attention and I was yelling at him to stop, but he didn't listen.

Okay, so that's the weirdness that is my brain at night. It seems to me this time it was mostly random. But am I happy I didn't wake up with that eerie bad dream feeling. What's the point of taking drugs for seasonal affective disorder so that I'm not so tired and apathetic if they just make me depressed? And soon I will not have insurance to get meds. So I am committing to fight to be healthy by exercising and resisting the urge to let the darkness lull me into apathy. I really can't wait to be someplace when I am woken up by the sunrise.

While Alaska is beautiful, I am really looking forward to leaving. The biggest reason is that currently the sun is rising at 10am and setting at 3pm. I never realized how much the sun affects my mood and sleep patterns. As we get closer to the solstice, I keep hearing "you look tired" more often. And really it is just Alaska because I am getting the same amount of sleep that I usually do, but I'm just so tired and my face shows it. I have always woken up at 730 am every morning no matter what time I go to bed, but not in AK.

Last winter I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder and I tried to use a "Happy Light" but that just made me nauseous so I take Welbutrin. It was a strange thing because I never felt sad, so I didn't think anything was wrong at first or that I was depressed. I just didn't want to do anything or talk to anyone. I couldn't sleep and then I would sleep all day. And I ate lots of carbs. Also, when I got to AK, I lost interest in exercising so that didn't help. I would do pilates and walk and pretty soon I would want to just go back to sleep. It really bothers me that I have to take drugs to deal with living here. I have always known that I need to get some sun to feel my best, but that just isn't an option here year round.

Plus, I feel kinda trapped here. I can't just take a drive to the next state or cheap flight when I want to. And I really like being outside, but eight months a year here, I get inside as fast as I can.