Okay so I have decided to quit the Wellbutrin. I mentioned on facebook that I have been having bad dreams. Basically, when ever stuff is bothering me during the day, I can ignore it and focus on other things, but at night I have these exaggerated dreams about things that are stressing me out... for example sleeping on a package of meat at Newark Penn while my friends ignore me. The meat represents my job at the Commissary, the Newark Penn my plans to travel, and the ignoring was an actual friend who is ignoring me and it is bothering me. Of course there was dialogue and other things happening before the meat sleeping/ignoring so I know what all three represent. Anyways, this is not the first time I have had night after night of bad dreams when I am worried about something. And the worst part is that I get this weird feeling during the dream that I feel the rest of the day. So I just continue to feel a little crappy during the day. I am very sure this is due to the Wellbutrin.

Last night, I didn't take the Wellbutrin and I had weird dreams, but I wasn't upset during the dream or when I woke up. This is strange because I didn't dream about especially great things, but I didn't wake up feeling horrible like I usually do. I dreamed that I was six months pregnant but I didn't know until now. The father was that friend who was ignoring me in that other dream. The weird part is that neither one of us was too upset about it. That is definitely not what would happen if I was pregnant for real, and would never happen, as I do not want children. But in the dream we were mostly thinking it was interesting and weird and I would just give the kid away when it was born. I also dreamed that I was in a Publix and I had no shoes on, as in the dream I never wore shoes. Then I had to go to the bathroom and walk in barefoot; which is totally gross. After I found out I was pregnant, I went shopping with Sarah and we drove a car up and down stairs, which was easier than I thought it would be. And I walked out to a boardwalk that went on forever over water, but I was no longer pregnant. I felt someone was chasing me but I decided to lie down on a chair and sun in my bathing suit because I didn't really care or didn't think they would find me. Toby my dog was there and he kept bothering people for attention and I was yelling at him to stop, but he didn't listen.

Okay, so that's the weirdness that is my brain at night. It seems to me this time it was mostly random. But am I happy I didn't wake up with that eerie bad dream feeling. What's the point of taking drugs for seasonal affective disorder so that I'm not so tired and apathetic if they just make me depressed? And soon I will not have insurance to get meds. So I am committing to fight to be healthy by exercising and resisting the urge to let the darkness lull me into apathy. I really can't wait to be someplace when I am woken up by the sunrise.