So all that not working has left me with the time to get projects done that I have been putting off. Specifically, I started to use my i pod shuffle that my mom gave me three years ago. When I got it AZ put some songs on it for me and listened to those for a little while. But for about two years, the i pod has gone unused. I tend to put off things that I cannot visualize how to do, so that's the main reason I never did anything with the i pod. I didn't want to spend forever trying to figure out how to put songs on it when I could just pop a cd into a walkman.

Unfortunately, Alan destroyed almost all of my cds when he put the open cd case into the trunk of the car which was filled with tools. As he drove, the cds slid around and scratched. To replace them, he burned me a cd with all dave matthews damaged cds on it.--- A side note, he also lost several Chuck Palahniuk novels that I lent him (and he never read). It wasn't until I broke up with him last summer that he replaced all of this stuff. But that's how Alan is and why our relationship ended in divorce; he was only nice when I wanted to leave and he wanted me to come back. Had I not been so lame I would have realized the breaking and losing of stuff I valued (and I have so little of that) and his indifference was another reason to leave him.--- However, that cd won't play in vehicles, and i tunes won't let me transfer the songs from the cd into my library. So I am still working on that. I have recently discovered Lala so I may just buy mp3 albums from there.

And I was just thinking, that while I have been ready to be away from Alan for a long time, and as much as I have thought I am over everything. I am still angry. I hate when that happens. When I think I am ready to move forward and then I find out I am not. So frustrating, I'm supposed to be better than this right? LOL.

I am not angry at Alan. I am angry at myself. Even after I wrote that thing about the cds and the books, I thought, "does this even matter?" And it doesn't and I shouldn't even care. That's what made me realize I am still angry. I am angry that I had such low self esteem that I made someone a priority in my life who was so selfish and mean. No matter what he did, I put up with it and put myself second. I gave up a great job and trips, and saving for my future, for him. And he didn't deserve it at all. Luckily, I am leaving this debt free and with some savings so I can move on to the next thing. And I have learned A LOT over the past three years (that seems to always be the consolation for detours in life). Just writing about it makes me feel better and one step closer to really being over it. I just can't help but think it's so funny how I thought I could just get over things and move on right away, but like everyone else, time is the best remedy. I know once I am out of AK and on the road doing things the things I have wanted to since I was a kid, things will be okay.

Weds is the divorce hearing. And I am of course a little worried, thinking about everything that can go wrong so I can prepare. Why do I do this to myself? Especially since the paper's he filed with the courts had all kinds of BS, such as I was furloughed from my job as an FA and I was planning on leaving the state in the truck and all the contents of the house (not physically possible for so many reasons). I am just hoping to keep my bank account and my roth IRA, he can have all the rest. So "serenity now" and hoping all will be well.

So I am finally going for it and applying for americorps. It's been a long time now that I have been looking at the app for the state park program and I'm done with excuses. Carpe Diem. And carpe carp.