Last night Toby was barking in his sleep, which isn't unusual. But he was also growling, so I think he was dreaming about the dryer at the dog groomer's. I got a call today from the moving company and they are coming on Tuesday to get my stuff. There's not much. Three bins of books, dishes, randomness, and clothes. They didn't seem to believe that I don't have any furniture, as they asked three times and then asked if I had certain pieces of furniture. No, I do not have furniture. That includes a couch, bed, ironing board (yeah, I don't get this last one). Ah, the simple life. Free from the burden of possessions.

I went to the travel dept on the base and they said the FAA governs how many pets can be checked in airplane cargo, and that number is five. As I was a flight attendant, I would think I would have heard about such a rule that has been around "like, forever." And since I have plenty of time on my hand, I decided to call Alaska airlines and ask them after I couldn't find that info in my old flight manual or the internet. Yeah, they were no help.

I was sooo dehydrated this morning; no more ramen for me. At least not as long as I like in Alaska; this place dehydrates me enough on its own.

So Gale called and I went the the shop to wash the dogs. Toby is such a good dog....except when he is getting dried. The cute, cuddly, collie becomes satan's spawn. I didn't have him until he was six and his old owner's dumped him at the pound. He was forty pounds overweight, so I wonder if they used to tease him with the hairdryer.

My plans to buy the class B van/RV fell through. The guy who said he would sell it to me changed his mind. But there are more vans in the sea. I am starting to want the vanagon again. I saw a couple in my price range.

So thanks to the awesome AZ, I have struck a deal on a new vehicle. It's not a vanagon, but it's better as it has a bathroom. I am really hoping the guy doesn't back out on the deal before I can pay him. It was 6,000 and its a '95 Dodge Horizon B class RV. So watch out road, here I come (maybe).

I have been going through my stuff and it looks like I can fit everything I need in what I take with me on the plane. I'm going to check a box of kitchen stuff for the van and some sheets. Everything else, I won't need-- curtains, dishes, and some books. I will finally be able to get rid of stuff I don't need and simplify. I feel like stuff just ties me down.

Oh yeah, and this weird thing happened the other morning. Sometimes when I wake up and something is bothering me, it will hit me all at once. Like I had forgotten and then all of a sudden, "crap, I have that thing I have to deal with that I'd rather forget about." Well that happened to me the other morning, but this time, shortly after, I realized that the crappy thing had happened in the book I was reading before I went to bed. How crazy is that? So congratulations Terry Goodkind, for writing such kick ass books that I am briefly in a bad mood in the morning due to plot lines.

Okay, so the civilians are working on my paperwork, so just one more week. For real this time. Today is Festivus, so happy Festivus to all. Let's consider the last entry about my mother part of the "airing of grievances." For my Festivus dinner, I ate what I am declaring the best thing I have ever eaten. If you saw the North Pole edition of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, what I ate is the thanksgiving dinner at Country Cafe. Best yams I have ever had. WOW. No wonder I gained weight here in Alaska.

I am getting really excited about starting my vanagon journey. And I have found another blogger who lives in her vanagon and has all kinds of tips on traveling and making money along the way. I have decided that I want the vanagon camper. Here's some info on the different models. http://www.dualport.com/vanagon/data.html

I think the best part about the camper is the bunk bed. That way I can keep stuff away from Toby and his penchant for shedding. I am starting to think I may have to spend 6,000 to get a good one that is clean with a new/rebuilt engine. I have the cash, but I so want to be cheap and limit my spending to 3,000.

So I went and asked about my plane ticket today and how the progress was going with getting the paperwork signed. Hopefully, just a few more days and I will be outta here. I am going in tomorrow at 9 am to see what is going on with it. The guy I went to today to find out about the status of my paperwork was nice and we had a great conversation about life and relationships. We have had a lot of similar experiences.

Some of the vanagons I had my eye on have sold and that is a bummer, but there will be more. I have very basic knowledge about vehicles, so I have been asking a friend to help me out. I am looking for the the place on the graph where quality and price intersect at the lowest point. And by quality I mean basically clean and runs.

I have started on my cannon for dummies book. And I forgot how tiring learning is! The book may be for "dummies" but it is great for learning all about the camera.

I have been talking to my first love online and have decided that he is a very strange person. And the only way I could have cared for him really is that I was young and didn't know what I wanted. I think he is a nice guy, but he definitely lives in his own world.

I have had this part of the entry sitting in the edit phase for a while now as I wasn't sure what all to say--- He said he was sorry how he had left things and he wanted us to be friends. Which is nice. Then he said how he would like us to be together now. Which is weird. He said he knows that really isn't an option, but he wanted to tell me anyway. And it's things relating to that, which I won't go all into, that make me think he lives in his own world. I mean, I haven't even been friends with him for ten years; all he has of me is a memory.

He messaged me and I decided to ask why after ten years he decided to tell me this and he said he has wanted to tell me for the last five years but he didn't want to interfere with my life. I asked how long he has felt like he made a mistake about leaving and he said within a year, but he felt it was too late. And I think that if things are meant to work out, it is never too late. But really, things with me and him weren't meant to work out..

I understand why things never would have worked. I think we were both in love with the idea of love. Which I think can often be a symptom of youthful love. I think he still is in love with being in love. He wants to be with me now but cannot say any reason why he wants to be with me other than the way me being happy would make him feel. I hear that a lot when I ask people why they want to be with me. It's always about how I make them feel or what I do for them; it's never anything specific to who I am. And it doesn't mean that they even try to make me happy. Maybe this is what it means when people say love isn't enough for a successful relationship. That just trying really hard to be in love "just because" doesn't work. It certainly isn't doesn't work for me.

And relationships are the last thing I need to worry about tight now. To quote Definitely Maybe, my "shit is all fucked up."

I have been looking online for a vanagon. Since they army is taking so long in completing the paperwork for me to leave, I have been looking all over the country because if I am going to have to buy my own plane ticket, there is no reason it has to be to Orlando. Especially with how my mother is causing unpleasantness with the whole divorce situation. To sum it up, the process was like this: denial (still emailing Alan when I told her how he was an ass and I was leaving), saying she is supportive and will help, then bailing like usual when I need her to do what she said she would to help me, talking about how the situation will affect her, then going back to trying to be supportive and making promises I know she will back out of, then saying all the wrong things i.e. how things will go wrong and I will fail,the whole time asking the same questions with a patronizing tone when I give the same answers, and the "I'm not getting involved" stage (she says those words). She's at that last stage now.

She called to ask when I was coming to Orlando and I said I was waiting on the military because I didn't want to spend $800 on a ticket if it was going to just be a few more days. She asked if I could just buy a ticket to be there by christmas (which I don't celebrate christmas) and I asked about her helping me out if I bought one. Her response was "that's not my responsibility." She didn't elaborate when I asked her what that meant. I had to go and call her back and when I did she had turned off her phone. I know this is because I am actually standing up to her when she says things like that. I don't especially enjoy spending christmas with her anyway as I am agnostic and she uses this time of year to try to convert me and it usually involves her crying and me being annoyed. And to be honest, I think the reason she liked Alan so much and started being nice to me when I was with him, is that they have a lot in common. And that explains why I let him treat me the way he did. Now I know not to make that mistake again. It really hurts me because I like my mother as a person, but she does not respect me at all and is selfish. I tell her when she hurts me and I get "Oh, I guess this is where I am supposed to say I'm sorry." I really don't want to have a bad relationship with my mother but I don't know what to do other than avoidance of conflict and not telling her how I feel about anything. And I feel like a whiny child when I complain about this stuff, but it does make me feel better at the same time.

With all the realizations I have come to lately, I would sum up that last few years of my life with one exclamation: "D'OH!" LOL

Phone rings.It's a 407 number that I don't recognize, but I answer it anyway.

me- Hello?
her- Who is this?
me- Who are you?
her- Who is this?
me- Who are you? You called me.
her- You just called and texted me from this number.
me- No I didn't.
her- Do you have a son?
me- No. I think you have the wrong number.
her- Is this (says first six numbers of my cell number)
me- (says last four)
her- Oh, I think I have the wrong number.

I SO wanted to ask what that text was that my alleged son sent to what I am assuming is her daughter, based on how pissed she was. LOL.

So I am divorced. Going to court was easy but weird. Considering my relationship with Alan was not easy and weird, things were looking up. So enough of that.

I have been looking on the internet for a new vehicle and I have narrowed my search done to the WV vanagon. Some models even have a expandable roof, table, stove, sink, and fridge. All have at least one area that converts into a bed. This will be great for camping in.

So all that not working has left me with the time to get projects done that I have been putting off. Specifically, I started to use my i pod shuffle that my mom gave me three years ago. When I got it AZ put some songs on it for me and listened to those for a little while. But for about two years, the i pod has gone unused. I tend to put off things that I cannot visualize how to do, so that's the main reason I never did anything with the i pod. I didn't want to spend forever trying to figure out how to put songs on it when I could just pop a cd into a walkman.

Unfortunately, Alan destroyed almost all of my cds when he put the open cd case into the trunk of the car which was filled with tools. As he drove, the cds slid around and scratched. To replace them, he burned me a cd with all dave matthews damaged cds on it.--- A side note, he also lost several Chuck Palahniuk novels that I lent him (and he never read). It wasn't until I broke up with him last summer that he replaced all of this stuff. But that's how Alan is and why our relationship ended in divorce; he was only nice when I wanted to leave and he wanted me to come back. Had I not been so lame I would have realized the breaking and losing of stuff I valued (and I have so little of that) and his indifference was another reason to leave him.--- However, that cd won't play in vehicles, and i tunes won't let me transfer the songs from the cd into my library. So I am still working on that. I have recently discovered Lala so I may just buy mp3 albums from there.

And I was just thinking, that while I have been ready to be away from Alan for a long time, and as much as I have thought I am over everything. I am still angry. I hate when that happens. When I think I am ready to move forward and then I find out I am not. So frustrating, I'm supposed to be better than this right? LOL.

I am not angry at Alan. I am angry at myself. Even after I wrote that thing about the cds and the books, I thought, "does this even matter?" And it doesn't and I shouldn't even care. That's what made me realize I am still angry. I am angry that I had such low self esteem that I made someone a priority in my life who was so selfish and mean. No matter what he did, I put up with it and put myself second. I gave up a great job and trips, and saving for my future, for him. And he didn't deserve it at all. Luckily, I am leaving this debt free and with some savings so I can move on to the next thing. And I have learned A LOT over the past three years (that seems to always be the consolation for detours in life). Just writing about it makes me feel better and one step closer to really being over it. I just can't help but think it's so funny how I thought I could just get over things and move on right away, but like everyone else, time is the best remedy. I know once I am out of AK and on the road doing things the things I have wanted to since I was a kid, things will be okay.

Weds is the divorce hearing. And I am of course a little worried, thinking about everything that can go wrong so I can prepare. Why do I do this to myself? Especially since the paper's he filed with the courts had all kinds of BS, such as I was furloughed from my job as an FA and I was planning on leaving the state in the truck and all the contents of the house (not physically possible for so many reasons). I am just hoping to keep my bank account and my roth IRA, he can have all the rest. So "serenity now" and hoping all will be well.

So I am finally going for it and applying for americorps. It's been a long time now that I have been looking at the app for the state park program and I'm done with excuses. Carpe Diem. And carpe carp.

The reason I am still here is AK is that I am waiting for my divorce hearing on the 16th and I am waiting for the Army to approve paying for my travel as tickets are almost a grand this time of year. I had an appointment with the col. who has to sign the orders for me to leave. So far, my soon to be ex-husband has been in charge of getting the paperwork done, so that's why it has taken a month. It's funny how it took him a week and a half to go sign the papers, but when he found out he has to pay me around $930 a month for every month that we are married but not living together, he was at the legal office within an hour. For those who don't know military stuff, that money is from what the army pays him extra because he is married. And I got my check. Considering all that time I didn't work and all the trips I gave up as a flight attendant so I could see him, I don't feel bad taking the money.

I was really nervous about going in to the appointment. I don't like dealing with that kind of stuff and I was afraid I would say the wrong thing. Me three years ago never would have had the guts to stand up for myself. And the packet had a chaplain's statement in it about how Alan was heartbroken and he really wanted to reconcile, but I didn't. It is really hard to reconcile when the reason I am leaving is the crappy way he treats me. I can't really blame the chaplain and the rear-d (another person who is supposed to be helping me with returning to the lower 48, but really isn't) for being sympathetic to Alan as I kept buying his bull shit and forgiving him and coming back for the last three years.

But when I went to the appointment, I didn't even have to see the col. as what I am guessing is his assistant took care of getting him to sign the form and was really nice. I am sure that if I hadn't gone into the office, the form would have sat there for another month at least. I mentioned that the rear-d had not been very helpful (he helped Alan tow the cars while I was at work and he stored them at his house, which I found out after calling the police and from Alan) and today he called and was very nice and wanted to make sure I knew about the hearing. Interesting.

So since is is dark most of the day here in AK, I have noticed my nap ratio increase. I must not succumb to the urge to nap! It makes for a very unproductive day. I really need to be going through my belongings and getting rid of the things I don't use all the time. The napping relates to the getting rid of stuff as I have lots of clothes that fit me before I came to Alaska. I am sure napping instead of working out contributed to the Alaska weight gain. So I really need to limit myself to one power nap a day.

Even when I was married I would surf dating websites, not to date, but to satisfy some weird anthropological curiosity. There was a time at the end of college when I did date some people from yahoo personals. The cliche of meeting some one who only has a head shot to find out they are about 300 lbs more than you expected is so true. And then there is the guy who tries to get all over you in the first date and then gets angry when you are like "back off!" And if you are reading this because we are still friends from YP then know I am not talking about you. The point of all this is that I recently put up a pseudo profile on another site so I could search other people's profiles. And I noticed that all the men say they are "willing to start a new family and have more children." As someone who is not willing to do so, I wonder if all men really feel this way, or if they say this because they are afraid no women will date them if they do not want children.

So I'm into Iron and Wine; the band that is. Turns out it is just one guy with back up musicians, so can I really call it a band? Well anyways, I found out they/he will be at The Ann Arbour Folk Festival on Jan 29th. Tickets are about $50 for one day and I am totally there except for the $50 thing as I am cheap (yet I just bought some ridiculously expensive running shoes today). As Iron and Wine is awesome, I am tentatively putting this on the roadtrip schedule. Any blogger readers out there that are interested, message me on FB or leave a comment. Here's the rest of the line up.

Festival Line Up:

Friday, January 29

Iron and Wine
Jay Farrar & Benjamin Gibbard
Band of Heathens
Hoots & Hellmouth
Po' Girl
Jer Coons
Nervous But Excited
Patty Larkin, MC

Saturday, January 30

Rosanne Cash
Richie Havens
Doc Watson
Raul Malo
Hot Club of Cowtown
Enter The Haggis
Patty Larkin, MC

Yesterday was my last day at work. I am happy about that because while I enjoyed my co-workers, it was a job at a grocery store. I only took this job because it was federal and being married to a military guy meant that I would have a job no matter where we were stationed. And it was depressing to know that my employment had nothing to do with either my Anthropology degree or my interests other than I like to eat and grocery stores sell food.

I have been wearing my hair curly; it is finally long enough not to look like crap unless I blow it out straight. I figure once I start my travels, I may not always have the ability to use a hair dryer. So I was at work and one of the meat guys who I always say hi to says, "I wasn't sure if I should say anything, but girl, I love your hair. I just want to take a nap in it! (with hand napping motion visual)." I thought this was hilarious and I guess this means the curly hair thing is working for me.

I went to the Fairbanks library the other day. And I realized why I didn't go directly to get my MLS after my BA. While I enjoy the library and think it would be fun to be an archivist, I really disliked the attitudes of a majority of my co-workers. They were obsessed with trivial procedures and robotic when enforcing these procedures with patrons. Often I would see my co-workers purposely making things harder for patrons looking for books because they felt the patron was lazy. My co-workers would even laugh at the patron when they left. One time I over heard them making fun of me, which went some thing like this, "Oh, I'm Jessica. I'm so happy and helpful!" ...I didn't claim it was a creative or humorous impression. As I enjoy being social and helpful (most of the time), I just get this feeling when I think about getting my MLS that I want to do it, but I won't be happy in the long run. And it's a 9-5 indoors; how boring is that!

It's 9 am and the sun still isn't up. This is just not normal. To me, there is something really great about waking up just before sunrise and going on a walk. Hardly anyone is up yet and I like going from silence to hearing the birds all singing. But 10 am sunrise? It just doesn't seem worth it. And the only birds I see around here lately are ravens, but they mostly just scavenge instead of sing. And they are the size of a cat or a small dog.

Yesterday I started learning how to use my new SLR camera. I quickly realized that even though I had used an SLR four years ago at a job, I really know nothing about how to use the Rebel! I felt like I was stumbling in a dark room looking for a light switch. I had a general idea where the switch was but I had to make sure not to trip over something or over shoot it and fall on my ass. There's a metaphor for you...

I started out taking random pictures of the dogs using the preset settings. And then I got tired all of a sudden and took a power nap (power nap is where is get tired all of a sudden and pass out for 5-10 minutes. This can happen anywhere at anytime). Today I'm going to dive through the Rebel for dummies book. Hopefully I won't need a power nap.

So I haven't taken my wellbutrin for a few days now, and I hadn't noticed any side effects until this morning. And it was a minor, "I feel a little crappy," to which I responded, "whatever, get over it." And that worked. I mean, how could I not feel a little crappy now and then, and especially now. Mostly because lately I have been having a lot of "WTF?" moments. To which, "whatever, get over it" also works. And even though there are those moments, I am happy right now. I don't have to be responsible to anyone else and I'm going to do things I have always put off (for lame reasons, of course).

Living in the Newark airport for eight months, when I wasn't flying on trips, is something that I always come back to when I wonder what is next. So my Tampa plans fell through and my plans to go to NC may not work either, but I'm not too worried about it. I have lived out of a suitcase before and until I figure out what's next, I can do that again. And waking up with the sunrise is even more fun if it is at a new place everyday.

Okay so I have decided to quit the Wellbutrin. I mentioned on facebook that I have been having bad dreams. Basically, when ever stuff is bothering me during the day, I can ignore it and focus on other things, but at night I have these exaggerated dreams about things that are stressing me out... for example sleeping on a package of meat at Newark Penn while my friends ignore me. The meat represents my job at the Commissary, the Newark Penn my plans to travel, and the ignoring was an actual friend who is ignoring me and it is bothering me. Of course there was dialogue and other things happening before the meat sleeping/ignoring so I know what all three represent. Anyways, this is not the first time I have had night after night of bad dreams when I am worried about something. And the worst part is that I get this weird feeling during the dream that I feel the rest of the day. So I just continue to feel a little crappy during the day. I am very sure this is due to the Wellbutrin.

Last night, I didn't take the Wellbutrin and I had weird dreams, but I wasn't upset during the dream or when I woke up. This is strange because I didn't dream about especially great things, but I didn't wake up feeling horrible like I usually do. I dreamed that I was six months pregnant but I didn't know until now. The father was that friend who was ignoring me in that other dream. The weird part is that neither one of us was too upset about it. That is definitely not what would happen if I was pregnant for real, and would never happen, as I do not want children. But in the dream we were mostly thinking it was interesting and weird and I would just give the kid away when it was born. I also dreamed that I was in a Publix and I had no shoes on, as in the dream I never wore shoes. Then I had to go to the bathroom and walk in barefoot; which is totally gross. After I found out I was pregnant, I went shopping with Sarah and we drove a car up and down stairs, which was easier than I thought it would be. And I walked out to a boardwalk that went on forever over water, but I was no longer pregnant. I felt someone was chasing me but I decided to lie down on a chair and sun in my bathing suit because I didn't really care or didn't think they would find me. Toby my dog was there and he kept bothering people for attention and I was yelling at him to stop, but he didn't listen.

Okay, so that's the weirdness that is my brain at night. It seems to me this time it was mostly random. But am I happy I didn't wake up with that eerie bad dream feeling. What's the point of taking drugs for seasonal affective disorder so that I'm not so tired and apathetic if they just make me depressed? And soon I will not have insurance to get meds. So I am committing to fight to be healthy by exercising and resisting the urge to let the darkness lull me into apathy. I really can't wait to be someplace when I am woken up by the sunrise.

While Alaska is beautiful, I am really looking forward to leaving. The biggest reason is that currently the sun is rising at 10am and setting at 3pm. I never realized how much the sun affects my mood and sleep patterns. As we get closer to the solstice, I keep hearing "you look tired" more often. And really it is just Alaska because I am getting the same amount of sleep that I usually do, but I'm just so tired and my face shows it. I have always woken up at 730 am every morning no matter what time I go to bed, but not in AK.

Last winter I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder and I tried to use a "Happy Light" but that just made me nauseous so I take Welbutrin. It was a strange thing because I never felt sad, so I didn't think anything was wrong at first or that I was depressed. I just didn't want to do anything or talk to anyone. I couldn't sleep and then I would sleep all day. And I ate lots of carbs. Also, when I got to AK, I lost interest in exercising so that didn't help. I would do pilates and walk and pretty soon I would want to just go back to sleep. It really bothers me that I have to take drugs to deal with living here. I have always known that I need to get some sun to feel my best, but that just isn't an option here year round.

Plus, I feel kinda trapped here. I can't just take a drive to the next state or cheap flight when I want to. And I really like being outside, but eight months a year here, I get inside as fast as I can.

I sent in my resume to Virgin America. I am also looking at usajobs.gov for national park jobs. They are hiring park rangers at the GS4 level (I am currently a GS3) which with my anthropology degree, I am eligible. I am also looking at Americorps... that is another thing I thought about doing if I ever had money saved up, which I do now. After you participate in Americorps you get an education stipend and it really helps you to get a federal job in the parks. I'd love to be an FA again and travel to all the places I haven't yet, but I also want to be a park ranger. I really can't see myself doing one thing forever.

I was in line at Subway, I obviously eat there a lot, and I realized why I wanted to have kids before and now I don't. The woman in front of me was ordering a kid's sandwich with only cheese. The way she ordered it, she sounded like she felt she was important and her kid was important. That's when I had the moment of realization. I wanted kids so I felt like I was contributing something important in my life. Getting married and having kids to feel accomplished instead of me taking risks and fighting for my goals; such a cowards way out. It so fits with the way I was when I met Alan; I was wanting to do all these great things but I thought I would fail. Over the past three years, I have stopped being so afraid of failure. Mostly because I have failed a lot and for the most part, the ride is always fun in the end. For example, I will never regret coming here to Alaska and getting married. It helped me to realize a lot of things about myself and the life I should be leading instead of the one I felt I was supposed to lead. Like Maria, I had let life choose my path. And I will never forget how beautiful the Aurora is; nothing else in nature can compare to a night when the Aurora is burning across the sky.

I am reading Brida by Paulo Coelho. In the book, there is the idea that everyone has soulmates, which are created when the soul divides when we die and we search in life to find them. In part of the book, Brida goes into a trance and sees herself in her own mind where she sees a library of dusty books. She opens one to see it contains memories of one of her past lives that she had no idea were there. I thought about this visual in relation to self awareness. Like I have this library inside my head and some of the books are dusty because while I have the knowledge, I haven't accessed it yet or I don't know how. That the true reason I had felt I wanted kids, and the truth that the future I really want has no room for children, was there in my mind the whole time. But I didn't find the book with that knowledge until now. The mind is such a strange and fascinating thing; we can hide things even from ourselves within it.

I keep checking on my Jet Blue Flight Attendant application, hoping something will happen. So far it just says "under review." When I applied for United, they had a questionnaire and gave me a number to call to set up an interview right afterwards. On the other hand, I forgot I had even applied to Continental by the time I heard back from them.

Yesterday, I read Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho. I read his book The Alchemist before and I wanted to read something else of his to see if it was also so insightful and life changing. And I wasn't disappointed. It is about a girl named Maria who lives in Brazil. She believes love only causes pain and has regrets over lost opportunities. On vacation she meets someone who offers her work in Switzerland as a samba dancer, and wanting a great adventure, she accepts. While in Switzerland, she ends up working as a prostitute and gives in to where ever life pulls her. Until she meets a painter that brings her back to life. In many ways I have felt and feel like Maria. The best way to explain that is with some quotes from the book:

p.1] "we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss, let’s keep that beginning.”

p.4] “…and kept blaming her own stupidity in running away from the very thing she most wanted.”

p.151] “I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. I’m a house wife and a prostitute, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.

p.9] “When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly? Life moves very fast. It rushes from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds”

p.10] “When she arrived home, though, she allowed her universe to crumble; she cried all night, suffered for the next eight months and concluded that love clearly wasn’t made for her and that she wasn’t made for love.”

p.37] “I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.”

p.53] ”And Maria thought about the little boy who had asked to borrow a pencil, about the young man who had kissed her and how she had kept her mouth closed, about her excitement at seeing Rio for the first time, about the men who had used her and given nothing back, about the passions and loves lost along the way. Despite her apparent freedom, her life consisted of endless hours spent waiting for a miracle, for true love, for an adventure with the same romantic ending as she had seen in films and read about in books. A writer once said that it is not time that changes man, nor knowledge; the only thing that can change someone’s mind is love. What nonsense! The person who wrote that clearly knew only one side of the coin.”

p.109] “Well, there are really three of me, really, depending on who I’m with. There’s the Innocent Girl, who gazes admiringly at the man, pretending to be impressed by his tales of power and glory. Then there’s the Femme Fatale, who pounces on the most insecure and, by doing so, takes control of the situation and relieves them of responsibility, because then they don’t have to worry about anything. And, finally, there’s the Understanding Mother, who looks after those in need of advice and who listens with an all-comprehending air to stories that go in one ear and out the other. Which of the three would you like to meet?”

p.121] “And at that moment, she accepted everything that fate placed in her path.”

p.135] “Dreams like theirs never lasted long, and Maria had enough experience of life to know that reality usually choose not to fit in with her dreams.

p.173] “good enough” is very different from “best”.

p.208] “Original sin was not the apple that Eve ate, it was her belief that Adam needed to share precisely the thing she had tasted. Eve was afraid to follow her path without someone to help her, and so she wanted to share what she was feeling.”

p.245] "She looked around her; most of the thousands of books were love stories. It was always the same, meets someone, falls in love, loses them and finds them again.”

His books make me think about my life what I want. Maria talks about how being a prostitute is just like everyone else, sacrificing time and putting up with people she doesn't like for money. She talks about how you can put money in a bank, but you can't get time back. How she could make excuses why she can't follow her dreams and work longer to save more money, but everyone has to know the point at which they should stop (that applies to everything, not just saving money). Now is that time that I am going to stop making excuses. And I definitely relate to her in how she doesn't believe love is something that can happen to her, but I hope I am wrong. The book has a happy ending, and it is based on a real person. Next I'm going to read his book Brida.

Wow there is a lot to learn about traveling and hiking. It is going to take some time for me to figure out things like what time of year is the best to go, what places aren't worth driving to see and which are, and what equipment (car, shoes) I will need.

Today I thought of an interesting place to stop by and see. At the Sleepy Hollow Cemetery in Concord, MA are the graves of the transcendentalists and authors Emerson, Thoreau, and Louisa May Alcott. I'm a fan of transcendentalism.

There are so many great websites to help figure out what the best places to see and how to prepare. Today I found this one: http://www.hitthetrail.com/ . They have a facebook page with some great pictures. There are some on the Angel's Landing Trail at Zion National Park. I'm not so much into heights, but I know most of it is because I psych myself out. I am sure it is much more intimidating when you see it in person but I don't think I can pass up going on such a unique and scenic hike. When I first saw it I was wondering how someone could even hike that without falling. I realized by looking at the later pictures in the album on the facebook page that there is a chain in the rock attached to poles that you can use as a guide and there are switchbacks on the way down. Also, apparently some people choose to climb the side of the rock to get to the top.

As I go along, I am going to add to the list of places on the main page... those are just the few I could think of right now.

Oh and Thanksgiving was awesome... I think the star wars themed table cloth really made the holiday special.

Yay for Amazon.com because my all my camera stuff came today. Tonight I will charge the battery. I haven't used an SLR on a regular basis in a few years, so I am looking forward to learning all about it. I went to Walmart and got a memory card. I also learned that last year's black Friday at the Fairbanks Walmart included someone getting bit.

So as far as relationships go; I have been thinking about this lately. I was talking to someone I knew in middle school and high school and they said that when you find the one, "you just know." Of all the people I have dated, I really only loved two. One was when I was really young, so it counts but it doesn't. I did love that person, but I didn't really know who I was or what I wanted at that point in my life. And the second person I really thought I "knew." However, they left.

Loving the second person challenged everything I had thought before in that I always thought I would never really love anyone and the first person had been something that just came with being young and not knowing what I really want and having less criteria of what I wanted in a person. But I did love that second person and I still do. I don't think I have ever met someone who is so easy to be around and that being around actually makes me happy. So after they left I wondered if maybe I am not equipped to "know." I mean for once I "knew" with them and they left so what now?

I think the longest I actually wanted to be with someone was one month I stayed longer because I thought I wanted to get married and have kids or I was lonely or I was fooling myself (this is the biggest one) into thinking I could have a good life with them even if it wasn't great because I would never find great. But now I am not lonely and I do not want kids and I never again want to put up with so much unnecessary conflict and unhappiness again just to be with someone I can tolerate for more than a month. If I am going to have someone else around to think about, they better be great.

So there can only be two outcome I see. One- he and I are supposed to be together but it wasn't the right time for us. Two- he and I aren't supposed to be together and I don't know how to "know." These are the weird things I think about. If only I could make money doing this.

Changing the subject, the greatest thing I am looking forward to is going back to the lower 48 and traveling everywhere I have left in the states that I want to go. Although, I will probably not hit all the national parks and that will be a separate trip in itself. I really got excited about that after watching some of that PBS Ken Burns special on the parks. I feel like driving until I can't stand it anymore. I just want to go someplace beautiful, like the grand canyon and watch the sun rise and set. I can't wait to take some great pictures.

I actually ate Subway for all three meals today. It was pretty awesome until I went to Subway's website and saw how many calories are in those subs they don't advertise on the napkins. I really shouldn't have been surprised at how many calories are in those delicious cookies. So no more meatball subs for me. Or at least not for all three meals (and no, I did not eat three foot longs. They were six inches. (that's what she said)). Yeah, I was a vegetarian once; don't judge me, I can't resist my Italian genes sometimes.

After work, I went to Walmart with Sarah. If you are not familiar with www.peopleofwalmart.com yet, you really should be. So I came up with a code, every time we see someone we think should be on the site we yell, "POW!." It makes for a more enjoyable shopping experience. Today we actually saw a guy with a blue faux-hawk wearing a cat ear headband. Yeah. And three "collar pop" guys (you know who they are) debating on which condoms to buy. I really wanted to ask them, "threesome tonight, boys?"

I bought some vitamin D gummy bears and we picked out an awesome-super-secret-last-minute-everything-thanksgiving-is-sold-out table cloth and special occasion banner set. More on that later. And I am sure there will be pictures.

It was at Walmart when I pondered my current facebook status:

"Okay so I was in walmart with Sarah (POW!) and I had this idea. I wonder if I get one of those power strips that you plug into the cig lighter (is it still called that?) and plug in a crock pot to that. Can I cook and drive?"

So far I say yes. The only problem is what to do with leftovers. I will think on this some more.

So today I put in my two weeks at work. I will be glad not to work there anymore because it really really felt like work. And by that I mean that I was just wasting 8.5 hours a day of my life to get a paycheck.

I went to the gym after work. I used to bike a lot and I'd like to be strong enough to go on some long bike rides again. I already have a couple of trips in mind. It's so weird how the cold and the dark really makes me just want to sit around and eat carbs! I used to love going for "power walks" when I was in the lower 48, not so much anymore. I have been taking extra vitamin D and that seems to help with being tired in the winter.

I am really hoping I get hired by Jet Blue as a flight attendant. In the mean time, I am applying and searching for jobs where I can go to places I haven't been yet. Who knows what I will end up doing, but I like the different options.

So in all this and moving I am conflicted about what to do about Toby. I really like him and he's the perfect dog, most of the time :), but I don't know if caring for a dog is something I can actually do in the future. I just equally feel guilty about both giving him away and also not so excited about determining my life plans around the fact that I have to look after a dog. I'm sure with most decisions I don't like, I will decide something at the last minute.

Rebel on the move

It's coming!

Canon Rebel XS 10.1MP Digital SLR Camera with EF-S 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 IS Lens (Black)

Canon EF-S 55-250mm f/4.0-5.6 IS Telephoto Zoom Lens for Canon Digital SLR Cameras

Caselogic TBC-307 SLR Camera Backpack (Black)

All for $700. The price almost makes it worth waiting so long to buy it (pun,haha).

The Rebel

So in March 2008, I bought a Kirby Sentria vacuum. I always had this June Clever vacuuming in pearls and heels fantasy. Don't ask me why, I'm sure a therapist would link that to a lot of archaic ideas I had about marriage. It doesn't really fit with the other facets of my personality; no wonder that lifestyle didn't work for me.

But that's not the reason why I bought it. I definitely have a love of vacuuming. There is just something so cool about vacuuming and then seeing how much grossness I pulled from the carpets. I don't think that will ever change. I used to be totally anal about cleaning. Not so much anymore. I mostly let mess pile up and then have a cleaning spree. But I still enjoy the cleaning.

So maybe it is symbolic that I feel like my vacuum is an unnecessary extravagance for me right now and I don't have any use for it. I paid 1,000 for the Kirby, and we has some good times. But what am I going to do with a 1,000 vacuum now? I don't want to be a housewife and who knows where I will be living in the next few years.

So for a while now I have really wanted an SLR camera. When I was hired by United, I was going to use the bonus after training to buy a Cannon Rebel. But I ended up choosing to work for Continental. So no camera.

Well, now is the time! The money I can get from selling the vacuum is the same as buying a Rebel plus a zoom lens and accessories. I'm surfing amazon right now....

moving... on

So part of my travel goals are to go to Europe. I want to go to England, Paris, all over Germany (including Berlin for sure), see Auschwitz in Poland, see all the awesome architecture in Greece that I can, and maybe go to Italy and Amsterdam. I always put it off when I worked for the airlines, waiting for Alan. And now traveling via airline pass isn't an option since I am no longer an FA. I would go alone, but I am worried a little about going by myself and I really want to prepare before hand if it comes to that.

On a side note, I mentioned my plans to go to Tampa unexpectedly changed. This factors into the Europe plans as I thought my future roommate would be the person to go with me... and as of now, that may never happen. So the compromise is to travel in the US to some places I have wanted to go to but haven't yet. I have figured a few places I want to go, but I haven't decided on anything yet. In the mean time, I will work out Europe plans.

For a while now, I have wanted to get a prius. And seeing as Alan kept both vehicles in the divorce, I need to get a new one. Part of me was thinking I would get a cheap car and save my money. But now, with all these ideas of travel, I having a prius would be great... and not to sound like a dork, but they really hold their value. After living in Alaska, I have very much redefined what I consider a "long drive" to go places. Just to get to the next city and the Target (very important factor) it is at least six hours.

Oh and the Prius is a good material way to define how much I wanted to not be married to Alan. I knew Alan was at some point soon going to buy me a Prius and take me to the Galapagos (another place I really want to go). I think the Beatles said it best: "money can't buy me love."

So now that the Tampa idea is out, I called Heather and she has been nice enough to have me come there to stay with her. I'm really excited to go see Heather and I have optimism about the opportunities in the area. University of North Carolina also has a Master's of Library Science... but with a concentration on archival studies, which is a bonus.

I am going to B and N to look at the travel books. I saw two I liked... one by Rick Steves and one by the Lonely Traveler; I love those shows.

getting started

So it hasn't been very long since my last post, but I can't sleep thinking about what I want to do next. It seems I often get really excited about new things and then find a way to talk myself out of going for it. Like I should be more responsible and I am almost 30 and I should have a real job by now and a house or something. A small part of me got married because I felt it was something I had to do it to feel accomplished (I'll admit it).

When I was younger... lets say starting at age five and evolving from there as I got older. I pictured myself as an archaeologist living a life somewhere between reality and Indiana Jones. I'm happy with some of the choices I have made so far, but I think there is room for improvement... like getting somewhere near being that archaeologist. And I don't necessarily mean directly going and getting my master's in anthropology, although that is an option. I also would be happy having a really awesome archivist job or working outdoors for the national park system. But that idea I had as the archaeologist isn't just about a career; it's about that sense of adventure and learning new things.

I don't know what happened that led me to deviate so much from that goal other than fear of failure. Like I said, I often talk myself out of doing things I think about. But I have saved up some money... first thinking there would be a wedding, and then to prepare for the divorce.

I had planned on moving to Tampa, Fl thinking it was the most responsible thing to do. I would transfer with my government job and maybe use that to get a better one. Go back to school and save money being frugal and working as a waitress, which was a lucrative job the last time I was in Tampa.

But those plans fell through and I started thinking about how in going to Tampa, I was going to settle again and put off things I wanted and do the responsible thing. I think no matter what I do I will always be a planner at least a little, so I am responsible in that sense. But I am leaning towards the fact that if I go back to Florida thinking as soon as I get settled I will make plans for doing things I want, I am fooling myself. It is just so easy for me to get complacent.

So now here comes the responsible part of me. I know what I want to do, but I need to research the cheapest and safest way to do it.

The First One

So I had created a blog before that was supposed to be about my life as a spouse and the stuff we did together. Well, I realized a lot of things in this past year.

-I do not want children. I used to think having kids would make me happy, but now I just view children as a metaphorical ball and chain. That having children would mean the end of lots of things I want to do and I don't feel I can ever commit to the lifestyle required to have children.

-I do not want to be someone's wife. I quit my job as a flight attendant to marry Alan and move to AK, and for months I had dreams where I was still an FA and I couldn't find my gate or I was late to my flight. Usually when you have bad dreams, you wake up and you realize it is just a dream... not here. Not that it isn't possible I would get married again, but I do not want a life where the other person's life limits mine like this marriage did. I think this life is it... we die and then there is nothing, so I don't want to waste mine. I am not saying do not want to compromise, but I want my own life.


-People can die at any time for stupid reasons sometimes, so I do not want to wait or put off doing the things I want because I think I will always have the chance. It seems weird to say because it is just a tv show, but Six Feet Under really changed the way I view life. After I watched the finale this summer, I really evaluated the life I was leading and it played a small part in my divorce. I realized I was here in AK, putting my life on hold for someone who didn't get me or appreciate and really love me. I realized that I can't live someone else's life ever again. Also, I am tired of fighting over things that don't matter and I feel that made up most of my relationship with Alan. I just want to be happy and I don't want to waste it being negative for no reason.

- Finally, I have some awesome friends. In this divorce, I left everything: cars, stuff in the house except personal belongings, the house, and soon I will need a new job too. And without the help of my friends both emotionally and helping me get around town and a place to stay, this divorce would have been much harder.

This blog is about me and my carpe diem. I can't say I will always be as motivated as I should... but I think having to write things down will help.

So my goals in the broadest sense are to travel everywhere I have wanted to, go back to school and get a master's degree, have some sort of employment related adventure with the national parks.

Here we go...