Last night Toby was barking in his sleep, which isn't unusual. But he was also growling, so I think he was dreaming about the dryer at the dog groomer's. I got a call today from the moving company and they are coming on Tuesday to get my stuff. There's not much. Three bins of books, dishes, randomness, and clothes. They didn't seem to believe that I don't have any furniture, as they asked three times and then asked if I had certain pieces of furniture. No, I do not have furniture. That includes a couch, bed, ironing board (yeah, I don't get this last one). Ah, the simple life. Free from the burden of possessions.

I went to the travel dept on the base and they said the FAA governs how many pets can be checked in airplane cargo, and that number is five. As I was a flight attendant, I would think I would have heard about such a rule that has been around "like, forever." And since I have plenty of time on my hand, I decided to call Alaska airlines and ask them after I couldn't find that info in my old flight manual or the internet. Yeah, they were no help.

I was sooo dehydrated this morning; no more ramen for me. At least not as long as I like in Alaska; this place dehydrates me enough on its own.

So Gale called and I went the the shop to wash the dogs. Toby is such a good dog....except when he is getting dried. The cute, cuddly, collie becomes satan's spawn. I didn't have him until he was six and his old owner's dumped him at the pound. He was forty pounds overweight, so I wonder if they used to tease him with the hairdryer.

My plans to buy the class B van/RV fell through. The guy who said he would sell it to me changed his mind. But there are more vans in the sea. I am starting to want the vanagon again. I saw a couple in my price range.

So thanks to the awesome AZ, I have struck a deal on a new vehicle. It's not a vanagon, but it's better as it has a bathroom. I am really hoping the guy doesn't back out on the deal before I can pay him. It was 6,000 and its a '95 Dodge Horizon B class RV. So watch out road, here I come (maybe).

I have been going through my stuff and it looks like I can fit everything I need in what I take with me on the plane. I'm going to check a box of kitchen stuff for the van and some sheets. Everything else, I won't need-- curtains, dishes, and some books. I will finally be able to get rid of stuff I don't need and simplify. I feel like stuff just ties me down.

Oh yeah, and this weird thing happened the other morning. Sometimes when I wake up and something is bothering me, it will hit me all at once. Like I had forgotten and then all of a sudden, "crap, I have that thing I have to deal with that I'd rather forget about." Well that happened to me the other morning, but this time, shortly after, I realized that the crappy thing had happened in the book I was reading before I went to bed. How crazy is that? So congratulations Terry Goodkind, for writing such kick ass books that I am briefly in a bad mood in the morning due to plot lines.

Okay, so the civilians are working on my paperwork, so just one more week. For real this time. Today is Festivus, so happy Festivus to all. Let's consider the last entry about my mother part of the "airing of grievances." For my Festivus dinner, I ate what I am declaring the best thing I have ever eaten. If you saw the North Pole edition of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, what I ate is the thanksgiving dinner at Country Cafe. Best yams I have ever had. WOW. No wonder I gained weight here in Alaska.

I am getting really excited about starting my vanagon journey. And I have found another blogger who lives in her vanagon and has all kinds of tips on traveling and making money along the way. I have decided that I want the vanagon camper. Here's some info on the different models. http://www.dualport.com/vanagon/data.html

I think the best part about the camper is the bunk bed. That way I can keep stuff away from Toby and his penchant for shedding. I am starting to think I may have to spend 6,000 to get a good one that is clean with a new/rebuilt engine. I have the cash, but I so want to be cheap and limit my spending to 3,000.

So I went and asked about my plane ticket today and how the progress was going with getting the paperwork signed. Hopefully, just a few more days and I will be outta here. I am going in tomorrow at 9 am to see what is going on with it. The guy I went to today to find out about the status of my paperwork was nice and we had a great conversation about life and relationships. We have had a lot of similar experiences.

Some of the vanagons I had my eye on have sold and that is a bummer, but there will be more. I have very basic knowledge about vehicles, so I have been asking a friend to help me out. I am looking for the the place on the graph where quality and price intersect at the lowest point. And by quality I mean basically clean and runs.

I have started on my cannon for dummies book. And I forgot how tiring learning is! The book may be for "dummies" but it is great for learning all about the camera.

I have been talking to my first love online and have decided that he is a very strange person. And the only way I could have cared for him really is that I was young and didn't know what I wanted. I think he is a nice guy, but he definitely lives in his own world.

I have had this part of the entry sitting in the edit phase for a while now as I wasn't sure what all to say--- He said he was sorry how he had left things and he wanted us to be friends. Which is nice. Then he said how he would like us to be together now. Which is weird. He said he knows that really isn't an option, but he wanted to tell me anyway. And it's things relating to that, which I won't go all into, that make me think he lives in his own world. I mean, I haven't even been friends with him for ten years; all he has of me is a memory.

He messaged me and I decided to ask why after ten years he decided to tell me this and he said he has wanted to tell me for the last five years but he didn't want to interfere with my life. I asked how long he has felt like he made a mistake about leaving and he said within a year, but he felt it was too late. And I think that if things are meant to work out, it is never too late. But really, things with me and him weren't meant to work out..

I understand why things never would have worked. I think we were both in love with the idea of love. Which I think can often be a symptom of youthful love. I think he still is in love with being in love. He wants to be with me now but cannot say any reason why he wants to be with me other than the way me being happy would make him feel. I hear that a lot when I ask people why they want to be with me. It's always about how I make them feel or what I do for them; it's never anything specific to who I am. And it doesn't mean that they even try to make me happy. Maybe this is what it means when people say love isn't enough for a successful relationship. That just trying really hard to be in love "just because" doesn't work. It certainly isn't doesn't work for me.

And relationships are the last thing I need to worry about tight now. To quote Definitely Maybe, my "shit is all fucked up."

I have been looking online for a vanagon. Since they army is taking so long in completing the paperwork for me to leave, I have been looking all over the country because if I am going to have to buy my own plane ticket, there is no reason it has to be to Orlando. Especially with how my mother is causing unpleasantness with the whole divorce situation. To sum it up, the process was like this: denial (still emailing Alan when I told her how he was an ass and I was leaving), saying she is supportive and will help, then bailing like usual when I need her to do what she said she would to help me, talking about how the situation will affect her, then going back to trying to be supportive and making promises I know she will back out of, then saying all the wrong things i.e. how things will go wrong and I will fail,the whole time asking the same questions with a patronizing tone when I give the same answers, and the "I'm not getting involved" stage (she says those words). She's at that last stage now.

She called to ask when I was coming to Orlando and I said I was waiting on the military because I didn't want to spend $800 on a ticket if it was going to just be a few more days. She asked if I could just buy a ticket to be there by christmas (which I don't celebrate christmas) and I asked about her helping me out if I bought one. Her response was "that's not my responsibility." She didn't elaborate when I asked her what that meant. I had to go and call her back and when I did she had turned off her phone. I know this is because I am actually standing up to her when she says things like that. I don't especially enjoy spending christmas with her anyway as I am agnostic and she uses this time of year to try to convert me and it usually involves her crying and me being annoyed. And to be honest, I think the reason she liked Alan so much and started being nice to me when I was with him, is that they have a lot in common. And that explains why I let him treat me the way he did. Now I know not to make that mistake again. It really hurts me because I like my mother as a person, but she does not respect me at all and is selfish. I tell her when she hurts me and I get "Oh, I guess this is where I am supposed to say I'm sorry." I really don't want to have a bad relationship with my mother but I don't know what to do other than avoidance of conflict and not telling her how I feel about anything. And I feel like a whiny child when I complain about this stuff, but it does make me feel better at the same time.

With all the realizations I have come to lately, I would sum up that last few years of my life with one exclamation: "D'OH!" LOL

Phone rings.It's a 407 number that I don't recognize, but I answer it anyway.

me- Hello?
her- Who is this?
me- Who are you?
her- Who is this?
me- Who are you? You called me.
her- You just called and texted me from this number.
me- No I didn't.
her- Do you have a son?
me- No. I think you have the wrong number.
her- Is this (says first six numbers of my cell number)
me- (says last four)
her- Oh, I think I have the wrong number.

I SO wanted to ask what that text was that my alleged son sent to what I am assuming is her daughter, based on how pissed she was. LOL.

So I am divorced. Going to court was easy but weird. Considering my relationship with Alan was not easy and weird, things were looking up. So enough of that.

I have been looking on the internet for a new vehicle and I have narrowed my search done to the WV vanagon. Some models even have a expandable roof, table, stove, sink, and fridge. All have at least one area that converts into a bed. This will be great for camping in.

So all that not working has left me with the time to get projects done that I have been putting off. Specifically, I started to use my i pod shuffle that my mom gave me three years ago. When I got it AZ put some songs on it for me and listened to those for a little while. But for about two years, the i pod has gone unused. I tend to put off things that I cannot visualize how to do, so that's the main reason I never did anything with the i pod. I didn't want to spend forever trying to figure out how to put songs on it when I could just pop a cd into a walkman.

Unfortunately, Alan destroyed almost all of my cds when he put the open cd case into the trunk of the car which was filled with tools. As he drove, the cds slid around and scratched. To replace them, he burned me a cd with all dave matthews damaged cds on it.--- A side note, he also lost several Chuck Palahniuk novels that I lent him (and he never read). It wasn't until I broke up with him last summer that he replaced all of this stuff. But that's how Alan is and why our relationship ended in divorce; he was only nice when I wanted to leave and he wanted me to come back. Had I not been so lame I would have realized the breaking and losing of stuff I valued (and I have so little of that) and his indifference was another reason to leave him.--- However, that cd won't play in vehicles, and i tunes won't let me transfer the songs from the cd into my library. So I am still working on that. I have recently discovered Lala so I may just buy mp3 albums from there.

And I was just thinking, that while I have been ready to be away from Alan for a long time, and as much as I have thought I am over everything. I am still angry. I hate when that happens. When I think I am ready to move forward and then I find out I am not. So frustrating, I'm supposed to be better than this right? LOL.

I am not angry at Alan. I am angry at myself. Even after I wrote that thing about the cds and the books, I thought, "does this even matter?" And it doesn't and I shouldn't even care. That's what made me realize I am still angry. I am angry that I had such low self esteem that I made someone a priority in my life who was so selfish and mean. No matter what he did, I put up with it and put myself second. I gave up a great job and trips, and saving for my future, for him. And he didn't deserve it at all. Luckily, I am leaving this debt free and with some savings so I can move on to the next thing. And I have learned A LOT over the past three years (that seems to always be the consolation for detours in life). Just writing about it makes me feel better and one step closer to really being over it. I just can't help but think it's so funny how I thought I could just get over things and move on right away, but like everyone else, time is the best remedy. I know once I am out of AK and on the road doing things the things I have wanted to since I was a kid, things will be okay.

Weds is the divorce hearing. And I am of course a little worried, thinking about everything that can go wrong so I can prepare. Why do I do this to myself? Especially since the paper's he filed with the courts had all kinds of BS, such as I was furloughed from my job as an FA and I was planning on leaving the state in the truck and all the contents of the house (not physically possible for so many reasons). I am just hoping to keep my bank account and my roth IRA, he can have all the rest. So "serenity now" and hoping all will be well.

So I am finally going for it and applying for americorps. It's been a long time now that I have been looking at the app for the state park program and I'm done with excuses. Carpe Diem. And carpe carp.

The reason I am still here is AK is that I am waiting for my divorce hearing on the 16th and I am waiting for the Army to approve paying for my travel as tickets are almost a grand this time of year. I had an appointment with the col. who has to sign the orders for me to leave. So far, my soon to be ex-husband has been in charge of getting the paperwork done, so that's why it has taken a month. It's funny how it took him a week and a half to go sign the papers, but when he found out he has to pay me around $930 a month for every month that we are married but not living together, he was at the legal office within an hour. For those who don't know military stuff, that money is from what the army pays him extra because he is married. And I got my check. Considering all that time I didn't work and all the trips I gave up as a flight attendant so I could see him, I don't feel bad taking the money.

I was really nervous about going in to the appointment. I don't like dealing with that kind of stuff and I was afraid I would say the wrong thing. Me three years ago never would have had the guts to stand up for myself. And the packet had a chaplain's statement in it about how Alan was heartbroken and he really wanted to reconcile, but I didn't. It is really hard to reconcile when the reason I am leaving is the crappy way he treats me. I can't really blame the chaplain and the rear-d (another person who is supposed to be helping me with returning to the lower 48, but really isn't) for being sympathetic to Alan as I kept buying his bull shit and forgiving him and coming back for the last three years.

But when I went to the appointment, I didn't even have to see the col. as what I am guessing is his assistant took care of getting him to sign the form and was really nice. I am sure that if I hadn't gone into the office, the form would have sat there for another month at least. I mentioned that the rear-d had not been very helpful (he helped Alan tow the cars while I was at work and he stored them at his house, which I found out after calling the police and from Alan) and today he called and was very nice and wanted to make sure I knew about the hearing. Interesting.

So since is is dark most of the day here in AK, I have noticed my nap ratio increase. I must not succumb to the urge to nap! It makes for a very unproductive day. I really need to be going through my belongings and getting rid of the things I don't use all the time. The napping relates to the getting rid of stuff as I have lots of clothes that fit me before I came to Alaska. I am sure napping instead of working out contributed to the Alaska weight gain. So I really need to limit myself to one power nap a day.

Even when I was married I would surf dating websites, not to date, but to satisfy some weird anthropological curiosity. There was a time at the end of college when I did date some people from yahoo personals. The cliche of meeting some one who only has a head shot to find out they are about 300 lbs more than you expected is so true. And then there is the guy who tries to get all over you in the first date and then gets angry when you are like "back off!" And if you are reading this because we are still friends from YP then know I am not talking about you. The point of all this is that I recently put up a pseudo profile on another site so I could search other people's profiles. And I noticed that all the men say they are "willing to start a new family and have more children." As someone who is not willing to do so, I wonder if all men really feel this way, or if they say this because they are afraid no women will date them if they do not want children.

So I'm into Iron and Wine; the band that is. Turns out it is just one guy with back up musicians, so can I really call it a band? Well anyways, I found out they/he will be at The Ann Arbour Folk Festival on Jan 29th. Tickets are about $50 for one day and I am totally there except for the $50 thing as I am cheap (yet I just bought some ridiculously expensive running shoes today). As Iron and Wine is awesome, I am tentatively putting this on the roadtrip schedule. Any blogger readers out there that are interested, message me on FB or leave a comment. Here's the rest of the line up.

Festival Line Up:

Friday, January 29

Iron and Wine
Jay Farrar & Benjamin Gibbard
Band of Heathens
Hoots & Hellmouth
Po' Girl
Jer Coons
Nervous But Excited
Patty Larkin, MC

Saturday, January 30

Rosanne Cash
Richie Havens
Doc Watson
Raul Malo
Hot Club of Cowtown
Enter The Haggis
Patty Larkin, MC

Yesterday was my last day at work. I am happy about that because while I enjoyed my co-workers, it was a job at a grocery store. I only took this job because it was federal and being married to a military guy meant that I would have a job no matter where we were stationed. And it was depressing to know that my employment had nothing to do with either my Anthropology degree or my interests other than I like to eat and grocery stores sell food.

I have been wearing my hair curly; it is finally long enough not to look like crap unless I blow it out straight. I figure once I start my travels, I may not always have the ability to use a hair dryer. So I was at work and one of the meat guys who I always say hi to says, "I wasn't sure if I should say anything, but girl, I love your hair. I just want to take a nap in it! (with hand napping motion visual)." I thought this was hilarious and I guess this means the curly hair thing is working for me.

I went to the Fairbanks library the other day. And I realized why I didn't go directly to get my MLS after my BA. While I enjoy the library and think it would be fun to be an archivist, I really disliked the attitudes of a majority of my co-workers. They were obsessed with trivial procedures and robotic when enforcing these procedures with patrons. Often I would see my co-workers purposely making things harder for patrons looking for books because they felt the patron was lazy. My co-workers would even laugh at the patron when they left. One time I over heard them making fun of me, which went some thing like this, "Oh, I'm Jessica. I'm so happy and helpful!" ...I didn't claim it was a creative or humorous impression. As I enjoy being social and helpful (most of the time), I just get this feeling when I think about getting my MLS that I want to do it, but I won't be happy in the long run. And it's a 9-5 indoors; how boring is that!

It's 9 am and the sun still isn't up. This is just not normal. To me, there is something really great about waking up just before sunrise and going on a walk. Hardly anyone is up yet and I like going from silence to hearing the birds all singing. But 10 am sunrise? It just doesn't seem worth it. And the only birds I see around here lately are ravens, but they mostly just scavenge instead of sing. And they are the size of a cat or a small dog.

Yesterday I started learning how to use my new SLR camera. I quickly realized that even though I had used an SLR four years ago at a job, I really know nothing about how to use the Rebel! I felt like I was stumbling in a dark room looking for a light switch. I had a general idea where the switch was but I had to make sure not to trip over something or over shoot it and fall on my ass. There's a metaphor for you...

I started out taking random pictures of the dogs using the preset settings. And then I got tired all of a sudden and took a power nap (power nap is where is get tired all of a sudden and pass out for 5-10 minutes. This can happen anywhere at anytime). Today I'm going to dive through the Rebel for dummies book. Hopefully I won't need a power nap.

So I haven't taken my wellbutrin for a few days now, and I hadn't noticed any side effects until this morning. And it was a minor, "I feel a little crappy," to which I responded, "whatever, get over it." And that worked. I mean, how could I not feel a little crappy now and then, and especially now. Mostly because lately I have been having a lot of "WTF?" moments. To which, "whatever, get over it" also works. And even though there are those moments, I am happy right now. I don't have to be responsible to anyone else and I'm going to do things I have always put off (for lame reasons, of course).

Living in the Newark airport for eight months, when I wasn't flying on trips, is something that I always come back to when I wonder what is next. So my Tampa plans fell through and my plans to go to NC may not work either, but I'm not too worried about it. I have lived out of a suitcase before and until I figure out what's next, I can do that again. And waking up with the sunrise is even more fun if it is at a new place everyday.

Okay so I have decided to quit the Wellbutrin. I mentioned on facebook that I have been having bad dreams. Basically, when ever stuff is bothering me during the day, I can ignore it and focus on other things, but at night I have these exaggerated dreams about things that are stressing me out... for example sleeping on a package of meat at Newark Penn while my friends ignore me. The meat represents my job at the Commissary, the Newark Penn my plans to travel, and the ignoring was an actual friend who is ignoring me and it is bothering me. Of course there was dialogue and other things happening before the meat sleeping/ignoring so I know what all three represent. Anyways, this is not the first time I have had night after night of bad dreams when I am worried about something. And the worst part is that I get this weird feeling during the dream that I feel the rest of the day. So I just continue to feel a little crappy during the day. I am very sure this is due to the Wellbutrin.

Last night, I didn't take the Wellbutrin and I had weird dreams, but I wasn't upset during the dream or when I woke up. This is strange because I didn't dream about especially great things, but I didn't wake up feeling horrible like I usually do. I dreamed that I was six months pregnant but I didn't know until now. The father was that friend who was ignoring me in that other dream. The weird part is that neither one of us was too upset about it. That is definitely not what would happen if I was pregnant for real, and would never happen, as I do not want children. But in the dream we were mostly thinking it was interesting and weird and I would just give the kid away when it was born. I also dreamed that I was in a Publix and I had no shoes on, as in the dream I never wore shoes. Then I had to go to the bathroom and walk in barefoot; which is totally gross. After I found out I was pregnant, I went shopping with Sarah and we drove a car up and down stairs, which was easier than I thought it would be. And I walked out to a boardwalk that went on forever over water, but I was no longer pregnant. I felt someone was chasing me but I decided to lie down on a chair and sun in my bathing suit because I didn't really care or didn't think they would find me. Toby my dog was there and he kept bothering people for attention and I was yelling at him to stop, but he didn't listen.

Okay, so that's the weirdness that is my brain at night. It seems to me this time it was mostly random. But am I happy I didn't wake up with that eerie bad dream feeling. What's the point of taking drugs for seasonal affective disorder so that I'm not so tired and apathetic if they just make me depressed? And soon I will not have insurance to get meds. So I am committing to fight to be healthy by exercising and resisting the urge to let the darkness lull me into apathy. I really can't wait to be someplace when I am woken up by the sunrise.

While Alaska is beautiful, I am really looking forward to leaving. The biggest reason is that currently the sun is rising at 10am and setting at 3pm. I never realized how much the sun affects my mood and sleep patterns. As we get closer to the solstice, I keep hearing "you look tired" more often. And really it is just Alaska because I am getting the same amount of sleep that I usually do, but I'm just so tired and my face shows it. I have always woken up at 730 am every morning no matter what time I go to bed, but not in AK.

Last winter I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder and I tried to use a "Happy Light" but that just made me nauseous so I take Welbutrin. It was a strange thing because I never felt sad, so I didn't think anything was wrong at first or that I was depressed. I just didn't want to do anything or talk to anyone. I couldn't sleep and then I would sleep all day. And I ate lots of carbs. Also, when I got to AK, I lost interest in exercising so that didn't help. I would do pilates and walk and pretty soon I would want to just go back to sleep. It really bothers me that I have to take drugs to deal with living here. I have always known that I need to get some sun to feel my best, but that just isn't an option here year round.

Plus, I feel kinda trapped here. I can't just take a drive to the next state or cheap flight when I want to. And I really like being outside, but eight months a year here, I get inside as fast as I can.