The First One

So I had created a blog before that was supposed to be about my life as a spouse and the stuff we did together. Well, I realized a lot of things in this past year.

-I do not want children. I used to think having kids would make me happy, but now I just view children as a metaphorical ball and chain. That having children would mean the end of lots of things I want to do and I don't feel I can ever commit to the lifestyle required to have children.

-I do not want to be someone's wife. I quit my job as a flight attendant to marry Alan and move to AK, and for months I had dreams where I was still an FA and I couldn't find my gate or I was late to my flight. Usually when you have bad dreams, you wake up and you realize it is just a dream... not here. Not that it isn't possible I would get married again, but I do not want a life where the other person's life limits mine like this marriage did. I think this life is it... we die and then there is nothing, so I don't want to waste mine. I am not saying do not want to compromise, but I want my own life.


-People can die at any time for stupid reasons sometimes, so I do not want to wait or put off doing the things I want because I think I will always have the chance. It seems weird to say because it is just a tv show, but Six Feet Under really changed the way I view life. After I watched the finale this summer, I really evaluated the life I was leading and it played a small part in my divorce. I realized I was here in AK, putting my life on hold for someone who didn't get me or appreciate and really love me. I realized that I can't live someone else's life ever again. Also, I am tired of fighting over things that don't matter and I feel that made up most of my relationship with Alan. I just want to be happy and I don't want to waste it being negative for no reason.

- Finally, I have some awesome friends. In this divorce, I left everything: cars, stuff in the house except personal belongings, the house, and soon I will need a new job too. And without the help of my friends both emotionally and helping me get around town and a place to stay, this divorce would have been much harder.

This blog is about me and my carpe diem. I can't say I will always be as motivated as I should... but I think having to write things down will help.

So my goals in the broadest sense are to travel everywhere I have wanted to, go back to school and get a master's degree, have some sort of employment related adventure with the national parks.

Here we go...