I sent in my resume to Virgin America. I am also looking at usajobs.gov for national park jobs. They are hiring park rangers at the GS4 level (I am currently a GS3) which with my anthropology degree, I am eligible. I am also looking at Americorps... that is another thing I thought about doing if I ever had money saved up, which I do now. After you participate in Americorps you get an education stipend and it really helps you to get a federal job in the parks. I'd love to be an FA again and travel to all the places I haven't yet, but I also want to be a park ranger. I really can't see myself doing one thing forever.

I was in line at Subway, I obviously eat there a lot, and I realized why I wanted to have kids before and now I don't. The woman in front of me was ordering a kid's sandwich with only cheese. The way she ordered it, she sounded like she felt she was important and her kid was important. That's when I had the moment of realization. I wanted kids so I felt like I was contributing something important in my life. Getting married and having kids to feel accomplished instead of me taking risks and fighting for my goals; such a cowards way out. It so fits with the way I was when I met Alan; I was wanting to do all these great things but I thought I would fail. Over the past three years, I have stopped being so afraid of failure. Mostly because I have failed a lot and for the most part, the ride is always fun in the end. For example, I will never regret coming here to Alaska and getting married. It helped me to realize a lot of things about myself and the life I should be leading instead of the one I felt I was supposed to lead. Like Maria, I had let life choose my path. And I will never forget how beautiful the Aurora is; nothing else in nature can compare to a night when the Aurora is burning across the sky.

I am reading Brida by Paulo Coelho. In the book, there is the idea that everyone has soulmates, which are created when the soul divides when we die and we search in life to find them. In part of the book, Brida goes into a trance and sees herself in her own mind where she sees a library of dusty books. She opens one to see it contains memories of one of her past lives that she had no idea were there. I thought about this visual in relation to self awareness. Like I have this library inside my head and some of the books are dusty because while I have the knowledge, I haven't accessed it yet or I don't know how. That the true reason I had felt I wanted kids, and the truth that the future I really want has no room for children, was there in my mind the whole time. But I didn't find the book with that knowledge until now. The mind is such a strange and fascinating thing; we can hide things even from ourselves within it.

I keep checking on my Jet Blue Flight Attendant application, hoping something will happen. So far it just says "under review." When I applied for United, they had a questionnaire and gave me a number to call to set up an interview right afterwards. On the other hand, I forgot I had even applied to Continental by the time I heard back from them.

Yesterday, I read Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho. I read his book The Alchemist before and I wanted to read something else of his to see if it was also so insightful and life changing. And I wasn't disappointed. It is about a girl named Maria who lives in Brazil. She believes love only causes pain and has regrets over lost opportunities. On vacation she meets someone who offers her work in Switzerland as a samba dancer, and wanting a great adventure, she accepts. While in Switzerland, she ends up working as a prostitute and gives in to where ever life pulls her. Until she meets a painter that brings her back to life. In many ways I have felt and feel like Maria. The best way to explain that is with some quotes from the book:

p.1] "we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss, let’s keep that beginning.”

p.4] “…and kept blaming her own stupidity in running away from the very thing she most wanted.”

p.151] “I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. I’m a house wife and a prostitute, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.

p.9] “When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly? Life moves very fast. It rushes from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds”

p.10] “When she arrived home, though, she allowed her universe to crumble; she cried all night, suffered for the next eight months and concluded that love clearly wasn’t made for her and that she wasn’t made for love.”

p.37] “I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.”

p.53] ”And Maria thought about the little boy who had asked to borrow a pencil, about the young man who had kissed her and how she had kept her mouth closed, about her excitement at seeing Rio for the first time, about the men who had used her and given nothing back, about the passions and loves lost along the way. Despite her apparent freedom, her life consisted of endless hours spent waiting for a miracle, for true love, for an adventure with the same romantic ending as she had seen in films and read about in books. A writer once said that it is not time that changes man, nor knowledge; the only thing that can change someone’s mind is love. What nonsense! The person who wrote that clearly knew only one side of the coin.”

p.109] “Well, there are really three of me, really, depending on who I’m with. There’s the Innocent Girl, who gazes admiringly at the man, pretending to be impressed by his tales of power and glory. Then there’s the Femme Fatale, who pounces on the most insecure and, by doing so, takes control of the situation and relieves them of responsibility, because then they don’t have to worry about anything. And, finally, there’s the Understanding Mother, who looks after those in need of advice and who listens with an all-comprehending air to stories that go in one ear and out the other. Which of the three would you like to meet?”

p.121] “And at that moment, she accepted everything that fate placed in her path.”

p.135] “Dreams like theirs never lasted long, and Maria had enough experience of life to know that reality usually choose not to fit in with her dreams.

p.173] “good enough” is very different from “best”.

p.208] “Original sin was not the apple that Eve ate, it was her belief that Adam needed to share precisely the thing she had tasted. Eve was afraid to follow her path without someone to help her, and so she wanted to share what she was feeling.”

p.245] "She looked around her; most of the thousands of books were love stories. It was always the same, meets someone, falls in love, loses them and finds them again.”

His books make me think about my life what I want. Maria talks about how being a prostitute is just like everyone else, sacrificing time and putting up with people she doesn't like for money. She talks about how you can put money in a bank, but you can't get time back. How she could make excuses why she can't follow her dreams and work longer to save more money, but everyone has to know the point at which they should stop (that applies to everything, not just saving money). Now is that time that I am going to stop making excuses. And I definitely relate to her in how she doesn't believe love is something that can happen to her, but I hope I am wrong. The book has a happy ending, and it is based on a real person. Next I'm going to read his book Brida.

Wow there is a lot to learn about traveling and hiking. It is going to take some time for me to figure out things like what time of year is the best to go, what places aren't worth driving to see and which are, and what equipment (car, shoes) I will need.

Today I thought of an interesting place to stop by and see. At the Sleepy Hollow Cemetery in Concord, MA are the graves of the transcendentalists and authors Emerson, Thoreau, and Louisa May Alcott. I'm a fan of transcendentalism.

There are so many great websites to help figure out what the best places to see and how to prepare. Today I found this one: http://www.hitthetrail.com/ . They have a facebook page with some great pictures. There are some on the Angel's Landing Trail at Zion National Park. I'm not so much into heights, but I know most of it is because I psych myself out. I am sure it is much more intimidating when you see it in person but I don't think I can pass up going on such a unique and scenic hike. When I first saw it I was wondering how someone could even hike that without falling. I realized by looking at the later pictures in the album on the facebook page that there is a chain in the rock attached to poles that you can use as a guide and there are switchbacks on the way down. Also, apparently some people choose to climb the side of the rock to get to the top.

As I go along, I am going to add to the list of places on the main page... those are just the few I could think of right now.

Oh and Thanksgiving was awesome... I think the star wars themed table cloth really made the holiday special.

Yay for Amazon.com because my all my camera stuff came today. Tonight I will charge the battery. I haven't used an SLR on a regular basis in a few years, so I am looking forward to learning all about it. I went to Walmart and got a memory card. I also learned that last year's black Friday at the Fairbanks Walmart included someone getting bit.

So as far as relationships go; I have been thinking about this lately. I was talking to someone I knew in middle school and high school and they said that when you find the one, "you just know." Of all the people I have dated, I really only loved two. One was when I was really young, so it counts but it doesn't. I did love that person, but I didn't really know who I was or what I wanted at that point in my life. And the second person I really thought I "knew." However, they left.

Loving the second person challenged everything I had thought before in that I always thought I would never really love anyone and the first person had been something that just came with being young and not knowing what I really want and having less criteria of what I wanted in a person. But I did love that second person and I still do. I don't think I have ever met someone who is so easy to be around and that being around actually makes me happy. So after they left I wondered if maybe I am not equipped to "know." I mean for once I "knew" with them and they left so what now?

I think the longest I actually wanted to be with someone was one month I stayed longer because I thought I wanted to get married and have kids or I was lonely or I was fooling myself (this is the biggest one) into thinking I could have a good life with them even if it wasn't great because I would never find great. But now I am not lonely and I do not want kids and I never again want to put up with so much unnecessary conflict and unhappiness again just to be with someone I can tolerate for more than a month. If I am going to have someone else around to think about, they better be great.

So there can only be two outcome I see. One- he and I are supposed to be together but it wasn't the right time for us. Two- he and I aren't supposed to be together and I don't know how to "know." These are the weird things I think about. If only I could make money doing this.

Changing the subject, the greatest thing I am looking forward to is going back to the lower 48 and traveling everywhere I have left in the states that I want to go. Although, I will probably not hit all the national parks and that will be a separate trip in itself. I really got excited about that after watching some of that PBS Ken Burns special on the parks. I feel like driving until I can't stand it anymore. I just want to go someplace beautiful, like the grand canyon and watch the sun rise and set. I can't wait to take some great pictures.

I actually ate Subway for all three meals today. It was pretty awesome until I went to Subway's website and saw how many calories are in those subs they don't advertise on the napkins. I really shouldn't have been surprised at how many calories are in those delicious cookies. So no more meatball subs for me. Or at least not for all three meals (and no, I did not eat three foot longs. They were six inches. (that's what she said)). Yeah, I was a vegetarian once; don't judge me, I can't resist my Italian genes sometimes.

After work, I went to Walmart with Sarah. If you are not familiar with www.peopleofwalmart.com yet, you really should be. So I came up with a code, every time we see someone we think should be on the site we yell, "POW!." It makes for a more enjoyable shopping experience. Today we actually saw a guy with a blue faux-hawk wearing a cat ear headband. Yeah. And three "collar pop" guys (you know who they are) debating on which condoms to buy. I really wanted to ask them, "threesome tonight, boys?"

I bought some vitamin D gummy bears and we picked out an awesome-super-secret-last-minute-everything-thanksgiving-is-sold-out table cloth and special occasion banner set. More on that later. And I am sure there will be pictures.

It was at Walmart when I pondered my current facebook status:

"Okay so I was in walmart with Sarah (POW!) and I had this idea. I wonder if I get one of those power strips that you plug into the cig lighter (is it still called that?) and plug in a crock pot to that. Can I cook and drive?"

So far I say yes. The only problem is what to do with leftovers. I will think on this some more.

So today I put in my two weeks at work. I will be glad not to work there anymore because it really really felt like work. And by that I mean that I was just wasting 8.5 hours a day of my life to get a paycheck.

I went to the gym after work. I used to bike a lot and I'd like to be strong enough to go on some long bike rides again. I already have a couple of trips in mind. It's so weird how the cold and the dark really makes me just want to sit around and eat carbs! I used to love going for "power walks" when I was in the lower 48, not so much anymore. I have been taking extra vitamin D and that seems to help with being tired in the winter.

I am really hoping I get hired by Jet Blue as a flight attendant. In the mean time, I am applying and searching for jobs where I can go to places I haven't been yet. Who knows what I will end up doing, but I like the different options.

So in all this and moving I am conflicted about what to do about Toby. I really like him and he's the perfect dog, most of the time :), but I don't know if caring for a dog is something I can actually do in the future. I just equally feel guilty about both giving him away and also not so excited about determining my life plans around the fact that I have to look after a dog. I'm sure with most decisions I don't like, I will decide something at the last minute.

Rebel on the move

It's coming!

Canon Rebel XS 10.1MP Digital SLR Camera with EF-S 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 IS Lens (Black)

Canon EF-S 55-250mm f/4.0-5.6 IS Telephoto Zoom Lens for Canon Digital SLR Cameras

Caselogic TBC-307 SLR Camera Backpack (Black)

All for $700. The price almost makes it worth waiting so long to buy it (pun,haha).